No one ever modeled humility the way Jesus did. The Bible teaches that he left heaven, took on the form of a servant and willingly chose to die in the place of sinners. We often speak of Jesus’ love for us, but when that love is juxtaposed against our rejection of him, his humility comes into sharper focus. This is the truth we find in the second chapter of Philippians.

“Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”

The Philippians’ passage offers three measurements of relational humility.

Measurement 1: Are you listening well to what the other person is saying?

In verse two, Paul writes “being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.” Humility is the internal quality that makes good listening possible. The order of the words is important in our text. Notice how the idea of “one mind” bookends our sacrificial love for one another.
Often in conversations, most of us turn off our listening component, and begin to formulate our own ideas—often while the other person is still talking. When this happens, we are no longer trying to discover what’s on their mind, we’re just prepping for how we can share what’s on ours. The humble person seeks to understand the other person’s perspective. Such an approach expresses their value. The prideful person is unable to keep their ideas to themselves long enough to become a good listener—they’ll have to interrupt. How about you? Are you listening well to what the other person is saying?

Measurement 2: Are you giving adequate attention to your personal shortcomings?

Paul continues, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” Selfish ambition and conceit are far easier to see in others than in ourselves. Each of us is born with an internal defense attorney. The moment we fail, that attorney goes to work making up excuses. When we sin, he blames others.  When we lose our temper, he justifies it. When we experience a sense of entitlement, he claims we deserve it.
While this kind of thinking is natural, it doesn’t strengthen relationships, it weakens them. Without humility, we become efficient at seeing other’s faults, while remaining oblivious to our own. The truly humble person will spend an equal amount of time evaluating his own shortcomings; he won’t defend them. When Paul evaluated himself in this way, it was easy for him to refer to himself as the chief of sinners.
There is something winsome in that kind of humility. As someone evaluates their own shortcomings, they grow increasingly thankful for God’s love and grace. An honest evaluation of our personal weaknesses, places us in a much better position to help others with theirs.

Measurement 3: Are you serving others with joy?

Our final measurement comes from verse 4: “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” The writer of Hebrews reminds us that as Jesus not only subjugated his personal desires to our needs, but he did it with joy.
I have a good friend who recounted two conversations with his five-year old daughter sitting in a local diner. In the first, his daughter said, “Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be a doctor.” “Why’s that?” my friend replied. “Because I want to serve people” his daughter answered. A few weeks later, while frequenting the same diner, his daughter’s bright eyes scanned to restaurant. “Daddy, I changed my mind. I don’t want to be a doctor anymore. I want to be a waitress.” My friend smiled and asked, “What changed your mind?” To which his daughter replied, “I didn’t change my mind. They serve people too.”
Humility is like that. It’s just looking for the nearest opportunity to serve another.

This post was taken from Phil’s upcoming book Growing in Grace: biblical strategies for developing strong relationships

Phil Moser is a pastor and author of the Biblical Strategies series and 4M Training for Men. His books are available on Amazon and at biblicalstrategies.com

Mercy is one of those essential elements in relationships because sooner or later the other party will disappoint us. MERCY means to be gracious with others in their need and to be forgiving towards them when they’ve wronged us. Here are four qualities that mark the merciful person.

Quality 1: The merciful person is less prone to anger.

In most relationships when we don’t get our way anger quickly becomes our default response. Anger is often the first responder to our self-interests; protecting them at all costs. If we don’t learn to properly battle this guardian of self, our relationships will begin to suffer collateral damage.  Ephesians 4:32 speaks of kindness, compassion, and forgiveness.
It is noteworthy that verse 32 it is preceded by a verse that offers six different ways to be angry—all of which should be avoided. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” These various forms of anger destroy relationships. The wife whose grown bitter over her husband’s broken promises quits trying at her marriage. The worker with a temper blows his cool and loses his job. Two teenagers who are angry with each other, slander each other’s reputation with their friends. In a moment, anger can destroy relationships that have taken decades to build. When we respond with tenderhearted mercy, we are less susceptible to the various forms of anger.

Quality 2: The merciful person is proactively thoughtful in speech and action.

In Ephesians 4:32 we are charged to “be kind to one another.” Kindness means to be affectionate, loving, sympathetic, helpful, forbearing, or gentle.  Several times in the gospels we read that Jesus had compassion on the crowd. In Matthew’s account he healed them; in Mark’s account he taught them. Jesus’ dual response serves as an example to all of us. He taught and healed. Your kindness ought to reveal itself both in speech and action.

Quality 3: The merciful person is intentional about forgiving the wrongdoing of others.

Quality 4: The merciful person is grateful that they have been forgiven.

The final phrase of our “tenderhearted” verse reads, “forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” This is one of the most potent phrases in the Bible. In just eight words, it challenges all those who have been sinned against to take their eyes off their perpetrator and look within.

Jesus said the merciful will be shown mercy. In forgiveness, we release another from their debt and we discover our personal release from the prison of bitterness we had chosen for ourselves. The third phrase in the verse speaks of “forgiving one another.”
A number of years ago when my wife and I were in Germany, we visited the Ravens Bruck Prison Camp that during the Nazi persecution of the Jews served as a death camp for women. The solemn foundations of the barracks were all that remained in memoriam to those who had died. This had been the home of Corrie Ten Boom, Holocaust survivor, author of The Hiding Place, and a Christian Stateswoman until her death in 1983. As we walked through the solemn memorial, I reflected on her incredibly forgiving spirit. Years after her release, she would meet one of the prison guards. She recalls the conversation this way: “’I forgive you, brother!’ I cried. ‘With all my heart!’For a long moment we grasped each other’s hands, the former guard, and the former prisoner. I had never known God’s love so intensely as I did then.”

The parable of Jesus

Jesus taught the same truth through a parable about a king who desired to settle his accounts with his servants. One man is brought to him who owes more than he could possibly repay.  Perhaps you’re wondering what kind of figure is so large that it couldn’t be repaid. Jesus makes that clear. He said the man owed the king ten thousand talents. A talent was a measurement for gold or silver. In modern US dollars a talent of gold is valued at $5,760,000. This man owed ten thousand times that amount. He owed nearly 58 billion dollars. At the time of this writing there are less than 10 people in the world who have the wherewithal to pay such a debt. Jesus was making the case that this debt could not be repaid. The king orders the man to liquidate all that he has, sell his wife and children into slavery, and make some form of payment. The man falls to his knees and cries for mercy. Remarkably, the king, taking pity on him, forgives the debt.
But what happens next is even more unbelievable than the forgiving of such a debt. The forgiven servant becomes an unforgiving servant. He finds a man who owes him three months wages (a debt that could be repaid over time) and insists that the debt immediately be paid in full. When the debtor is unable, the unforgiving servant seizes him and begins to choke him (I told you it was unbelievable). Then, he has him thrown in debtor’s prison. When the king finds out, he immediately has the unforgiving servant brought to the castle. And he says, “You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?”
Just like that the story’s over, the parable’s mirror turns inward, and we discover: We don’t forgive our brother because we deserve it, but because we didn’t deserve forgiveness when the king forgave us.

The Lesson for Christians

This is why Christians should be the most merciful people on the planet. We have experienced firsthand the forgiveness of a debt we could not possibly repay. Our debt was so great that it would take an infinite eternity to repay it.  Yet, in six hours on one Friday, God’s son hung on a cross and paid it for us. God is indeed rich in mercy. Our mercy towards others should flow from a heart that is forever grateful that the God of the universe was merciful towards us.

This post was taken from Phil’s upcoming book Growing in Grace: biblical strategies for developing strong relationships

Phil Moser is a pastor and author of the Biblical Strategies series and 4M Training for Men. His books are available on Amazon and at biblicalstrategies.com

Loyal friends are hard to find, but they are essential for the journey of life.
In his book Quality Friendship, Gary Inrig writes, “The fact that our heroes of faith needed others underlines the inescapable need we all have to establish solid and satisfying friendships that not only meet our needs but equip us to meet the needs of others as well.”
King David had many followers, but he had only a few close friends. When we look at his life, we see their impact in three circles: commitment, confirmation, and confrontation.

The Circle of Commitment is the friend who is loyal; placing  your best interest ahead of their own.

King Saul’s son, Jonathan, best represents this level of loyalty in David’s life.  For those unfamiliar with the story, Jonathan was heir apparent to the throne of his father, King Saul. That his father desired for him to have the throne was evident by the way Saul repeatedly pursued David to have him killed. Although David was not from the royal family, he was the one that God had chosen to become king after Saul’s death. With the king’s crown at stake, the conflict that could have existed between David and Jonathan would have endangered any potential relationship. Instead, what develops between the two is a close and meaningful friendship. They were like brothers. In the truest sense of the word, they modeled the sacrificial spirit that is necessary in our closest relationships.
In the Bible the word “covenant” described a promise that was to be kept at all cost. It was a verbally binding agreement. The text says, “Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul” (1 Sam. 18:3). While this commitment was initiated by Jonathan, David embraced it as his own.
A spoken agreement between friends adds a level of accountability even if circumstances or feelings change. For this reason, we take wedding vows in the presence of witnesses. We go on public record with our commitment to our spouse and we ask the witnesses to hold us to it. Years later, David will keep his end of the covenant even after Jonathan has died. He will make room for Jonathan’s paraplegic son at his table and offer him the best that he has. There is security in the realization that, though trials come, the other party will remain faithful.
Bestselling author Andy Andrews captured it this way, “When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart will search for a solution. The undecided heart searches for an escape.”
The Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoyevsky wrote, “To love someone means to see them as God intended them to be.” During his life, Jonathan never lost sight of his goal of helping David become all that he could be.

The Circle of Confirmation is the friend who offers hope and encouragement.

King David was a young boy when the aging prophet Samuel anointed him as the king of Israel.  Most scholars believe David would have been around 16-17 years old when he was chosen.  As David matured and faced kingdom-level challenges, he must have looked back at Samuel’s confirmation of him and garnered hope for his future. The circle of confirmation works like that—we find confidence to go forward when others express confidence in us. The friend who confirms us is a valuable ally when we face discouragement. If you want to develop this expression of loyalty, here are few lessons from Samuel.

Seek to confirm character over appearance.

The Bible acknowledges that David was handsome. But, it also makes it clear that his appearance wasn’t the cause of his appointment as king. In our social-media-world, everyone appears young and every family appears perfect. It’s easy to be drawn into external evaluations. But appearances are often misleading. Initially, Samuel overlooked David in favor of his six older brothers. But when evaluating the oldest brother, God warned the prophet, “Do not look on his appearance or the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

Seek to confirm others over exalting yourself.

Few characters of the Old Testament carried the blessing of God like Samuel. From his childhood he was called to serve God and he was still at it in his old-age. He was esteemed by the people. During his lifetime, he filled multiple roles: judge, priest, prophet, and counselor. But Samuel never pursued the role of king. He chose to serve kings instead. The confirming friend seeks to confirm others over exalting himself. I have a confirming friend, ten years my elder. His leadership ability, international experience and creativity surpass my own. Yet, whenever I am with him, he is affirms in me what I so admire in him. His humility makes that possible.
Each of us should seek to become a “confirming” friend. But remember the admission charge for becoming one is to think of yourself less as you encourage one another more.

The Circle of Confrontation is the friend who seeks to restore us when we fail.

Nathan was a prophet during the latter half of King David’s reign. He confronted David over his sin of adultery with Bathsheba (and his bungled cover up). Though the consequences of David’s sin would bring about the unraveling of his family, Nathan’s confrontation would be the first step to restore David’s relationship with the Lord. The prophet begins his confrontation with David by the telling a story about a shepherd. Wise indeed was this approach. Nathan’s story is about a small-time shepherd who only had one lamb. That lamb is taken from him by the arrogant mega-farmer next door. As friend, Nathan’s choice of this story reveals two truths: (1) his knowledge of David’s past, and (2) his belief that David will change when confronted.

Remember the good in your friend’s past before you confront.

Remember, David was a shepherd before he was a king. As a young boy, he had been a fierce protector of the lambs in his care; clubbing to death the lions and bears who would attempt to ravage his flock. Such courage and confidence in God compelled him to take on Goliath while others cowered in the shadows. Nathan’s confrontation placed David in the lion and bear role stealing from another man’s flock. Further, his strategic murder of Bathsheba’s husband (to cover up his sin), made David out to be the entitled-Goliath and not the God-confident shepherd boy he had once been.

Believe that your friend will change when confronted.

Nathan’s succinct closing: “You are the man,” reveals his belief that, when confronted, David will do the right thing. This kind of confidence is the best motivation in confrontation. It is a love that hopes all things. A friend’s rebuke finds it’s purpose in rescue not condemnation. We confront another from a love that believes they are worth saving, and a confidence that, given the right opportunity they will do the right thing.

We all need friends in these three circles of influence. Furthermore, we all need to become the kinds of friends who operate in the appropriate sphere for others. Through commitment, conformation, and, when necessary, confrontation, we make brotherly love a priority. In so doing, we review a deep, meaningful loyalty. For David, the deaths of Jonathan and Samuel were catastrophic. While David would develop other friendships, those friendships never replaced Jonathan and Samuel’s level of influence. If the man after God’s own heart needed friends like that, how much more must we? One ancient writer reminded us:
A faithful friend is a strong shelter; the man who finds one has found a treasure. There is no substitute for a friend, and there is no way to measure his value.

This post was taken from Phil’s upcoming book Growing in Grace: biblical strategies for developing strong relationships

Phil Moser is a pastor and author of the Biblical Strategies series and 4M Training for Men. His books are available on Amazon and at biblicalstrategies.com

When I first entered the ministry, I had a limited understanding of others’ pain. Thirty years later that is not the case. I’ve wept at the graveside of parents who buried their children far too early. Sat next to the widow-to-be as she talked with the doctors about the final breaths her husband would take and looked into the husbands’ eyes as he shared with me of his wife’s betrayal. This life is hard. Really hard. If you haven’t discovered that already, the time is coming when you will.

Sympathy or Empathy?

The biblical word for sympathy means that you are “together with” someone in their suffering.  This is different that empathy; which infers your ability to see, relate and feel the suffering of another. Some of us will be more gifted at empathy than others, but each of us can—and should—demonstrate sympathy for those closest to us who are hurting. Often people are uncomfortable with another’s suffering because of the fear of saying the wrong thing or being unable to say anything at all.  It is notable that the Biblical word for sympathy doesn’t mention speaking. It’s emphasis is on being there.

The biblical character, Job, was a man who knew great suffering firsthand. We can learn a great deal from his counselors—both what to do and what not to do. The best thing Job’s counselors did in the midst of his suffering was to sit and be silent.
Now when Job’s three friends heard of all the evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place […] They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him. And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept…And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was great.
The Bible says that we should rejoice with those that rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Sympathy is the ability to do the latter. Perhaps extending sympathy is hard for you. In that opening chapter, Job’s friends will teach us several important lessons.

Lesson 1: Prioritize another’s pain over your agenda.

Job was a wealthy businessman before he lost everything. It is likely his friends were as well. Their busy schedules necessitated that they make “an appointment together.” They bore the brunt of the traveling expense, traveling long distances for their visit. Yet, with all of their sacrifices, they didn’t demonstrate any sense of entitlement when they arrived. For one week they sat patiently by his side. The true sympathizer doesn’t think about personal sacrifices made, but simply the suffering of his friend. You’ll not be able to sympathize well, if your agenda is always trumping another’s pain.

Lesson 2: Acknowledge another’s pain, don’t downplay it.

The second lesson is actually confirmed in the Hebrew text. The verb “lifted up” occurs twice in the same verse.  We could read the verse this way: Job’s friends “lifted up” their eyes and saw him, and then they “lifted up” their voices and wept. They responded to what they saw. Their acknowledgement of Job’s pain was genuine. They weren’t disparaging, nor did they downplay his suffering. Whether the suffering one is a spouse, friend or employee, their perspective is their reality. We don’t strengthen our relationships by continually denigrating their painful experiences.

Lesson 3: Listening well may be more beneficial than advice given.

What Job’s friends did in these opening verses may have proved more helpful to Job than everything they said in the thirty-plus chapters that followed. For seven days and nights they simply sat with him and wept. While there is a place for spoken words, remember that sympathizing carries the idea of “being with them”—it doesn’t necessitate advice be given. J.E. Smith adds an insight from the culture of Job’s time:
No one spoke during that time because they could see that Job was in too much pain to engage in conversation. Comforters were not permitted to say a word until the mourner opened the conversation [emphasis added].
While sitting silent is foreign to our fix-it-fast culture, it is helpful for those around us that our hurting. Wait for them to speak. Stephen Covey captured a similar thought when he wrote, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Helping others carry their burden through sympathizing is an essential element for strengthening any relationship. Even when it feels awkward, we communicate how much we value the other person when we attempt it.
My wife has a unique sensitivity to those who are hurting; I tend to be less aware of another’s pain. My knowledge of our differences doesn’t make me any less responsible; it simply serves as a reminder that I must develop a greater awareness of the difficulties that others are experiencing.

For Better or for Worse

A number of years ago, as I was preparing for an out- of-town wedding, I received a call that one of our church members was hospitalized due to his ongoing battle with lung cancer. It was late in the evening when I finally made the visit. As I slipped into his room to pray, I noticed that the other bed had been pushed up against his. As I leaned forward in the dim light, his wife of fifty years suddenly sat up startling both of us. She had made herself the self-appointed guardian of her husband’s care. She refused to let him suffer alone. “I see no burden in it,” she told me. “It a privilege to be by his side.” The next day, I stood before the young bride and groom in a picture-perfect setting. With a golf course as a backdrop, the bride arrived in a horse-drawn carriage. On this day, suffering had no place in the life of this couple. There was only joy. But the image of that hospital room was still freshly seared in my memory. As I began to speak, the two images collided. These marriages, separated only by time and space, gave deeper meaning to the words “for better or for worse.” Both images were testimonies of how life is lived: the young couple standing by one another with joyful anticipation and the senior couple in the hospital laying side by side with a stubborn refusal to part.
If you’re good at showing sympathy, thank you. You are so needed. If you struggle to do so, I encourage you to develop this quality. Learning to show sympathy is a necessary and valuable relationship builder.

This post was taken from Phil’s upcoming book Growing in Grace: biblical strategies for developing strong relationships

Phil Moser is a pastor and author of the Biblical Strategies series and 4M Training for Men. His books are available on Amazon and at biblicalstrategies.com.

We live in a world where unity is in short supply. In the past, we’ve wrongly assumed that a lack of conflict means unity exists.  But recent events have revealed that the conflicts were always there, simmering just below the surface. Genuine unity means to deliberately consider what the other person is thinking – seeking agreement. If you intend to do your part to develop unity in your relationships, you’ll need to become proficient in practicing the two T’s: a teachable attitude and a transparent spirit. 

A Teachable Attitude

A good friend of mine serves as a professor of counseling at the university level. He opens his first class with a simple—but difficult—assignment for each of his students. They must spend an entire day without ever talking about themselves. Their thoughts, feelings, and plans are to be placed on the back burner for 24 hours. That doesn’t mean that they can’t talk, just that they can’t talk about themselves. Their new method of communication is to ask questions of others and to listen.James gave his readers the same assignment. He wrote, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” [emphasis added].

If you check your thesaurus for “communication,” you’ll find words like announcement, message, statement, letter and email. Noticeably absent from the list is the word listening. Yet, without a listener we’re simply talking to ourselves. To become a better listener is to become a better learner. One writer has wisely said,

The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.
ROY BENNET

Imagine the listening/learning impact on your relationships.

The young dad listens to his five-year old daughter and learns what her friends are like.
The mother listens to her teenage son and learns why school is hard for him.
The boss listens to those on the assembly line and makes a critical adjustment.
The husband listens to a wife and learns why she’s anxious.
Listening is the doorway to learning.

A Transparent Spirit

The Greeks had a great word to describe unity of mind between two parties: homophones. The first part of the word means “same” and the second part describes your thoughts. Various translators capture the meaning with phrases like same-minded, united in spirit, or to think the same thing.

We all know of people whose quality of communication is so good that they can finish their partner’s sentence—and actually get it right! Such communication doesn’t just happen; it’s the fruit of consistent and honest sharing. Without transparent communication it becomes very difficult to be like-minded. You leave the other party guessing at what you’re thinking. Usually, assumptions are made from past experiences that further exacerbate that poor communication.

The apostle Paul warned the church in Ephesus that there was more than one way to kill transparency. He wrote, “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor.” The apostle is teaching us that we can lie by what we do say, and we can lie by what we don’t say. To develop a transparent spirit we must learn to not only put away falsehood, but also speak truth. Are you holding back critical information in your most important relationships? You cannot develop unity without some attempt at transparency. Consider: how can you be unified if the other person has no idea what you’re thinking?

Genuine unity depends upon the two T’s. Renew your effort at being teachable and transparent.

This post was taken from Phil’s upcoming book, Growing in Grace: biblical strategies for strengthening your relationships

Phil Moser is a pastor and author of the Biblical Strategies series and 4M Training for Men. His books are available on Amazon and at biblicalstrategies.com