The Value of Sympathy in our Relationships

When I first entered the ministry, I had a limited understanding of others’ pain. Thirty years later that is not the case. I’ve wept at the graveside of parents who buried their children far too early. Sat next to the widow-to-be as she talked with the doctors about the final breaths her husband would take and looked into the husbands’ eyes as he shared with me of his wife’s betrayal. This life is hard. Really hard. If you haven’t discovered that already, the time is coming when you will.

Sympathy or Empathy?

The biblical word for sympathy means that you are “together with” someone in their suffering.  This is different that empathy; which infers your ability to see, relate and feel the suffering of another. Some of us will be more gifted at empathy than others, but each of us can—and should—demonstrate sympathy for those closest to us who are hurting. Often people are uncomfortable with another’s suffering because of the fear of saying the wrong thing or being unable to say anything at all.  It is notable that the Biblical word for sympathy doesn’t mention speaking. It’s emphasis is on being there.

The biblical character, Job, was a man who knew great suffering firsthand. We can learn a great deal from his counselors—both what to do and what not to do. The best thing Job’s counselors did in the midst of his suffering was to sit and be silent.
Now when Job’s three friends heard of all the evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place […] They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him. And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept…And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was great.
The Bible says that we should rejoice with those that rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Sympathy is the ability to do the latter. Perhaps extending sympathy is hard for you. In that opening chapter, Job’s friends will teach us several important lessons.

Lesson 1: Prioritize another’s pain over your agenda.

Job was a wealthy businessman before he lost everything. It is likely his friends were as well. Their busy schedules necessitated that they make “an appointment together.” They bore the brunt of the traveling expense, traveling long distances for their visit. Yet, with all of their sacrifices, they didn’t demonstrate any sense of entitlement when they arrived. For one week they sat patiently by his side. The true sympathizer doesn’t think about personal sacrifices made, but simply the suffering of his friend. You’ll not be able to sympathize well, if your agenda is always trumping another’s pain.

Lesson 2: Acknowledge another’s pain, don’t downplay it.

The second lesson is actually confirmed in the Hebrew text. The verb “lifted up” occurs twice in the same verse.  We could read the verse this way: Job’s friends “lifted up” their eyes and saw him, and then they “lifted up” their voices and wept. They responded to what they saw. Their acknowledgement of Job’s pain was genuine. They weren’t disparaging, nor did they downplay his suffering. Whether the suffering one is a spouse, friend or employee, their perspective is their reality. We don’t strengthen our relationships by continually denigrating their painful experiences.

Lesson 3: Listening well may be more beneficial than advice given.

What Job’s friends did in these opening verses may have proved more helpful to Job than everything they said in the thirty-plus chapters that followed. For seven days and nights they simply sat with him and wept. While there is a place for spoken words, remember that sympathizing carries the idea of “being with them”—it doesn’t necessitate advice be given. J.E. Smith adds an insight from the culture of Job’s time:
No one spoke during that time because they could see that Job was in too much pain to engage in conversation. Comforters were not permitted to say a word until the mourner opened the conversation [emphasis added].
While sitting silent is foreign to our fix-it-fast culture, it is helpful for those around us that our hurting. Wait for them to speak. Stephen Covey captured a similar thought when he wrote, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Helping others carry their burden through sympathizing is an essential element for strengthening any relationship. Even when it feels awkward, we communicate how much we value the other person when we attempt it.
My wife has a unique sensitivity to those who are hurting; I tend to be less aware of another’s pain. My knowledge of our differences doesn’t make me any less responsible; it simply serves as a reminder that I must develop a greater awareness of the difficulties that others are experiencing.

For Better or for Worse

A number of years ago, as I was preparing for an out- of-town wedding, I received a call that one of our church members was hospitalized due to his ongoing battle with lung cancer. It was late in the evening when I finally made the visit. As I slipped into his room to pray, I noticed that the other bed had been pushed up against his. As I leaned forward in the dim light, his wife of fifty years suddenly sat up startling both of us. She had made herself the self-appointed guardian of her husband’s care. She refused to let him suffer alone. “I see no burden in it,” she told me. “It a privilege to be by his side.” The next day, I stood before the young bride and groom in a picture-perfect setting. With a golf course as a backdrop, the bride arrived in a horse-drawn carriage. On this day, suffering had no place in the life of this couple. There was only joy. But the image of that hospital room was still freshly seared in my memory. As I began to speak, the two images collided. These marriages, separated only by time and space, gave deeper meaning to the words “for better or for worse.” Both images were testimonies of how life is lived: the young couple standing by one another with joyful anticipation and the senior couple in the hospital laying side by side with a stubborn refusal to part.
If you’re good at showing sympathy, thank you. You are so needed. If you struggle to do so, I encourage you to develop this quality. Learning to show sympathy is a necessary and valuable relationship builder.

This post was taken from Phil’s upcoming book Growing in Grace: biblical strategies for developing strong relationships

Phil Moser is a pastor and author of the Biblical Strategies series and 4M Training for Men. His books are available on Amazon and at biblicalstrategies.com.