Two essentials for developing a spirit of unity in your relationships

Initially, the apostle Peter needed help in his relationships. He was demanding of others, exalted himself, and spoke before he thought.  But over time he changed; he became more like Jesus. Towards the end of his life, he offers five elements that will strengthen our relationships with others. He writes:

Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind (I Peter 3:8).

Here’s a working definition of the phrase “unity of mind.”

Unity of mind means to give deliberate consideration to what the other person is thinking – seeking agreement.

Most of us are not nearly active enough when it comes to developing a spirit of unity in our relationships. We tend to believe that if we can avoid the conflict, we have achieved a spirit of unity. But such a position imposes a faux unity; the conflict is still there, simmering just below the surface. If you intend to be deliberate in pursuing unity in your relationships, I recommend the two T’s: teachable and transparent.

 A Teachable Attitude

Each of us has different relationships that require our best communication skills. We have a role in our family, our work environment, our church or community group. While each of these relationships require a different set of communication skills, they do have one thing in common:  we ought to bring a teachable attitude to each situation. The 18th chapter of Proverbs is packed with truths about communication. Here are three ways to spot a teachable attitude in yourself and others.

If you’re teachable, you’ll listen more than you speak.

Proverbs 18:15 states, “An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.” And Proverbs 18:13 adds, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” A teachable spirit is revealed through your listening skills. Train your mind to actively listen to what the other is saying. Let them complete their thought before you share yours.

 If you’re teachable, you won’t interrupt another when they speak.

Proverbs 18:2 reads, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” If you find yourself thinking only about what you will share when the other person takes a breath, there’s a good chance you didn’t come to learn, but to express your own opinion. Simply “expressing your opinion” doesn’t build unity in the relationship but listening well does.

If you’re teachable, you’ll honor the other when you speak.

Proverbs 18:19 reads, “A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city, and quarreling is like the bars of a castle.” When you do share your opinion, remember to honor the other person. Don’t intentionally offend. Some people choose to offend as if it’s a badge of honor. They forget that the bars of a castle were meant to keep other’s out.  When you speak, speaking with honor is a means of tearing down the bars, not putting them up—that is how we invite others into the conversation. Speaking with honor includes elements like:

• Tone — Consider the way you speak. Is there a spirit of anger, frustration, apathy or resign?
• Pace — Consider how quickly you speak. Are you seeking understanding or just pushing forward your agenda?
• Content — Consider what you speak about. Are your words carefully chosen to respect the other’s time? Have you left out vital information that would be helpful for them to make an informed decision?
• Location and timing — Consider when and where you speak? Arguments often ensue in the presence of others. Would you like to be addressed in a public setting? The wrong timing or location can be dishonoring to another.

Transparent Communication

The phrase “unity of mind” comes from the single Greek word homophones meaning “same-minded.”  It is also translated “united in spirit” and “to think the same thing.” We all know of people whose quality of communication is so good that they can finish their partner’s sentence—and actually get it right! Such communication doesn’t just happen. It’s the fruit of consistent and honest sharing. When there isn’t that type of communication it becomes very difficult to be like-minded; because the other party is left to guess what you’re thinking. Assumptions are often made from past experiences that further exacerbate the poor communication.

Most men are greater culprits of this than women. Studies have shown that men speak significantly fewer words than women in a 24-hour day. I have a good friend who will sometimes say to his wife. “I’d love to talk but I’ve used all my words today.” While sharing what we’re thinking may be more difficult for men that it is for women, it is nonetheless essential if relationships are to grow.

Transparent communication is a commitment to speak the truth in love. The apostle Paul warned the church in Ephesus that there was more than one way to lie. He wrote,

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor (Ephesians 4:25)

In what areas of your life do you lack transparency? What critical information are you keeping back from your most important relationships? We should ask ourselves good questions about the motives for such secrecy. Whatever the cause, you will be unable to develop a unified mind with another, if you’re unwilling to share what’s on yours.

As you’re working towards a spirit of unity, remember the two T’s: teachable and transparent. While you’re sharing what’s on your mind, don’t close your mind off to the thoughts of others.

Taken from Learning to Love: biblical strategies for strengthening relationships

Coming in 2019

PHIL MOSER is the author of the Biblical Strategies series and the developer of 4M Training: a 13-week small group study for men. All of his resources can be found on amazon or at biblicalstrategies.com.

If you’re looking for a resource for your men’s group, consider 4M Training. Mature, master, minister, and mentor in 13 weeks. Click on image below to learn more.