I’m struggling to love those closest to me – what should I do?

In the English language we have only one word for love. That’s unfortunate. It means that this word is going to need to cover a lot of territory. A high-school girl will tell you she loves her boyfriend, her boyfriend will tell you he loves the Philadelphia Eagles, and both will tell you they love Pizza.  When a word is overused like that, it loses its meaning. The Greeks had a better approach. They created multiple words to maintain the meaning. The word philadelphia describes brotherly love. The word philastorge describes a love between family members. And my favorite, agape describes a love that is willing to make sacrifices for another. The best definition I have ever heard of sacrificial love is found in 1 John 3:16-18.

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

Love is Sacrificial

Agape love is all about sacrifice. In the text, Jesus is the ultimate example. He laid down his life for us. While Jesus did it in a single act, most of us will be asked to do it in bits and pieces.  Perhaps this is what is meant by “I die daily” (1 Cor. 15:31). The best marriages are those where a spouse has learned to sacrifice their wants and desires for what is best for the other partner. The best parents are those who are committed to regular sacrifices for the sake of their child’s growth. Sacrifice becomes a good determiner for who you love more – yourself or the other person.

If I love you, I will sacrifice my wants for your needs, but if I love myself more I will sacrifice your needs for my wants. You might want to read that again.

Let it sink in, and then imagine its use in each of your relationships. Do you love others more or do you simply love yourself?

Love is Volitional

Volition is a word that describes your will as it plays out in your choices. This is where biblical love stands in sharp contrast to our culture’s understanding.  Love for many is described as an emotional response. We’re attracted to a person because of something we like about them.  But, Jesus taught us to love our enemies (Matt. 5:44). Enemies don’t attract us; they repel us. When someone uses you, you may respond emotionally, but chances are it won’t register on the love spectrum.  This volitional aspect of love clearly needs to be revisited in our culture where we believe we can only love those that we like. But when it comes to the issue of choice, love and like are not synonyms, they are more like antonyms.  You like someone because of, but you love someone in spite of. When we’re attracted to someone (even in a platonic way), it’s easy for the feeling of love to grow. But for relationships to go the distance, to grow through the better-or-worse-times, agape love is the way to go. We can choose to love others that way, because that is how God first loved us (Rom. 5:8).

Love is Practical

In Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, Cogsworth, the butler-turned-clock, instructs the Beast in ways to show his love to the heroine, Bell. In his stuffy, English accent he says, “Well, there’s the usual things: flowers, chocolates, promises you don’t intend to keep.” His cynicism reveals a truth we all know: words are cheap, but real love is costly.

John warned us of this danger. “Little children,” he said, “let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.” True love is practical. It includes our words but isn’t limited to them. It looks for ways to show love in a useful, concrete way. This is the natural progression of a love that is sacrificial and volitional. It doesn’t wait to be asked, it looks for ways to help. If you’re struggling to love those closest to you, here are three ways to grow. Look for ways to sacrifice. Look for ways choose their needs over your wants. Look for ways to practically serve.