A Daddy’s thoughts at his daughter’s wedding

This past weekend I had the privilege of giving my daughter away at a picture-perfect wedding outside of a reconstructed barn at the base of the Allegheny Mountains. For a father, giving your daughter away is a bit like taking your emotions and dangling them over a deep, dark abyss for the day. You can’t see the bottom of the chasm, and you’re afraid that if you start descending down there you won’t make it back before the wedding is over.  The sense of loss is also mingled with great joy for their happiness as they start their life together. Here are a few of the thoughts I shared with my daughter and son-in-law on that day. They serve as helpful reminders for all of us regardless of how long we’ve been married.

Marriage is best described as two imperfect people attempting to form a perfect union. For that reason, the most important word in marriage may not be love, communication or perseverance. The most significant word may be the word grace. The Bible describes grace as a gift, freely given that isn’t deserved. Because both the husband and wife bring their own set of imperfections to the table, the marriage that grows well will have grace at its core.

G.R.A.C.E. is comprised of 5 letters. Each letter will serve as a reminder of a truth to remember.

God is bigger than our problems.  The Bible tells us: “People are born for trouble as readily as sparks fly upward from a fire” (Job 5:7). In a marriage we face problems from the outside and the inside. An outside problem is something that happens to us: a car accident, loss of a job, or a bad report from the doctor. It is good to know that God is bigger. Inside problems are things we bring into the marriage: a struggle with anxiety, a proneness towards self-pity, a tendency to lose our temper. Again, we affirm the Scriptures: “If God is for us, who can be against us” (Rom. 8:31). God is bigger than our problems.

Remember where you came from, then go further.  The Psalmist wrote, “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them” (Psa. 17:4-5). Each of us enters into a marriage with our own set of family experiences, both good and bad. We can’t change where we came from, but we can go further. A warrior could only throw his spear a certain distance at a target, but the archer could send the arrow further. For that reason, children are described as arrows, not spears. Remember where you came from, then go further.

Always be willing to forgive. Imperfect people, even with the best of intentions, are going to offend. Those offenses will either become opportunities for forgiveness and restoration or they will become festering pools of bitterness—spilling over into all other aspects of the marriage. If you wait until you believe the other person deserves to be forgiven, you’ll never forgive. This is why the apostle Paul wrote, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32). We don’t forgive someone because they deserve to be forgiven. We forgive someone because we didn’t deserve to be forgiven, and God in Christ forgave us. Always be willing to forgive.

Christ’s love sets the standard for how we love one another. The Bible told us to love our neighbor as ourselves (Mark 12:31). Imagine, that every time you sold your house your neighbor sold his. When you moved clear across the country, they moved too.  They kept following you whether you liked them or not. Marriage makes people life-long neighbors. You need to love your spouse as your neighbor. Jesus, however, raised the standard.  Twenty-four hours prior to his crucifixion, while the disciples argued in the upper room about who would be the greatest, Jesus washed their feet and said, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you” (John 13:34). The love of Christ is incredibly sacrificial, not easily offended, and it bears no sense of entitlement. That is how we are to love one another. Christ’s love sets the standard.

Enjoy this life—it goes far too quickly. The first wedding I ever performed was at a barn venue in the Catskill mountains of New York. My daughter was in attendance, but she was three-years-old not twenty-five. She didn’t walk down the aisle with her father, she sat in the back row on the aisle with her mother. As it was my first wedding, I was a little nervous. Then, my eyes caught hers and she smiled. She was so full of wonder, taking it all in and loving every minute. My thoughts of my own daughter were only interrupted by the bride and her father. As they kept walking towards me, my eyes would shift from them to my little girl in the back row. I felt like I was caught in the Twilight Zone.  Each step that brought them nearer to the altar felt like a year that slipped away from my time with my daughter. How I wanted to make time stand still!  But, I couldn’t. I kept thinking: hold onto the moments—your life with her is going to go so fast. And…it…did.

I blinked and the little girl whose eyes were full of wonder had become a beautiful young woman. She was no longer sitting in the back row of a wedding, but she was standing next to me at her wedding. And I was granted the distinct privilege of escorting her down the aisle and putting her hand in the hand of the man she loved.

If I could do one thing over as a husband and a father, I would have enjoyed the moments more. I would have worried less about the outcomes and the day-to day decisions. I would have pushed out those anxious thoughts of the future with mental snapshots of the moments that were meant to be embraced with the fullness of joy. My brow would be less furrowed with the weight of this world, and my smile would reflect the grace of one who had paused long enough to thoroughly enjoy his family. Grace, a gift given that wasn’t deserved, was also meant to be enjoyed. Enjoy this life–it goes far too quickly.

Phil Moser is the author of the Biblical Strategies series.Click on the image below to view these unique resources