How to develop peace where conflicts exist

Few things stir up anxiety like change. Whether the changes take place in our close or extended relationships, they’re uncomfortable. Being creatures of comfort, the anxiety-meter tends to rise when that comfort zone gets tested. In one of my earlier books I spoke about how when it comes to anxiety, we need to change our mind, not our circumstances. This is precisely what the apostle Paul means when he says, 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you [emphasis added] (Philippians 4:8-9).

The peace of God is to be practiced in our relationships.

Because we have experienced a relationship with God that has moved from angst to peace, and as we have established the daily practice of peace in our own lives, we should be quick to want to extend that gift to our other relationships. Jesus said as much in his Sermon on the Mount: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.  (Matt. 5:9). The Bible teaches that we do this in one of three ways. We can (1) overlook the fault, (2) talk about the fault, or (3) seek counsel from another to address the fault.

Overlook the fault.

Peter said, “Love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Pet. 4:8).  “Cover” in this text means to conceal, keep secret or hidden.  There are good reasons to consider this option. Perhaps the offense wasn’t intended or was a misunderstanding on our part. This is a particularly helpful when it is a singular offense. But if the perceived wrong-doing repeats itself, the peacemaker has an additional option.

Talk about the fault.

The gospel of Matthew reminds us, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother (Matt. 18:15). Note the focus of the peacemaker here is to restore the potentially broken relationship. Sometimes in my relationship with my wife, I may not have even realized I was doing something that was offensive (men can be a bit clueless that way). But when it’s pointed out, the one desiring restoration will be more prone to listening then defending. If they do not listen, the peacemaker pursues a third option.

Seek counsel from another to address the fault.

Matthew’s gospel opens up the door to take another with you; to include an intermediary. He writes, “But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you.” (Matt. 18:16). As a pastor, I have often been called upon to fill this role. Sitting between two offended parties, I am often reminded they are not as far apart as they think they are. Usually, both have done somethings right, and both share some of the responsibility in the wrongdoing (though usually one is more responsible than the other). The advantage of a third party in helping them see this—is that the third party tends to be objectively removed from the conflict.  

These three biblical approaches bring peace to most relationships, but when they don’t you are still given hope from the Scriptures. Paul wrote, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Rom. 12:18). The Scriptures acknowledge that even when we’re willing, another party’s stubbornness may not make peace possible. In such cases we can be at peace knowing that we exhausted all of our options. Furthermore, we can maintain a readiness to be restored if their position changes.

Phil Moser is a pastor and author of the Biblical Strategies series and 4M Training for Men.  His books are available on Amazon and at biblicalstrategies.com