3 ways to maintain joy in difficult relationships

For the person who struggles to be consistently joyful, the phrase “rejoice always” (Phil. 4:4) is more than a bit troubling. It serves as a stark reminder that we are to be joyful in the midst of difficult circumstances and difficult relationships. I have to admit my joy tends to rise or fall with other’s perceptions of me. If they’re happy with me, then I’m happy. When they’re disappointed in me, my emotions tend to tank. True joy must be drawn from a deeper well than our superficial understanding of what people think about us.

The apostle Paul certainly had his share of difficult circumstances, yet 16 times in the book of Philippians he mentions the word “joy.” In the opening paragraph to the Philippians, Paul gives us three words that inspire us to be joyful in difficult relationships: serve, pray, and encourage.

SERVE: Joy is discovered when our determination to serve overcomes our sense of entitlement.

It is natural to make an investment in relationships with the hope of something in return, but Paul gives us a different motive. He introduces himself as a servant of Jesus Christ (Phil. 1:1). Learning to be a servant is key to experiencing joy in our most difficult relationships. As we ultimately serve the Lord Jesus, we are no longer dependent on other’s responses as our source of joy; our primary objective becomes faithfulness in his service (1 Cor. 4:2). Note the number of biblical characters who took on the title “servant” of the Lord:

• Moses (Deut. 34:5)
• Joshua (Josh. 24:29)
• David (2 Sam. 3;18)
• James (Jam. 1:1)
• Jude (Jude vs. 1).

William Barclay adds this insightful comment,

Strange as it seems, it was a title of humiliation which the greatest men took with honor.

As the popularity of John the Baptist’s ministry began to wane, he responded,

Therefore this joy of mine is now complete. He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:29-30).

PRAY: Joy is developed as we pray with thankfulness for the relationship we have through Jesus.

Notice the spirit of thankfulness that fuels the prayers of Paul. He writes, “I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy (Phil. 1:3-4).  Recently, I stumbled upon a personal note from one of my mentors. He wrote, “My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude when I think back to time spent with my students.” Significantly, he penned that note to me in the final stages of his battle with cancer. Circumstances that should have pressed joy out of a person’s life were no match for praying with a thankful spirit for those he had invested in.

ENCOURAGE: Joy is sustained when we speak of the work that God has yet to do in our friend’s life.

Paul pens one of his most quoted verses as a means of encouragement to the church in Philippi. He writes,

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ (Phi. 1:6).

Notice the way that Paul brings encouragement to the listener. He doesn’t say, “Don’t worry. Be happy.” Instead, he points to God’s work in their past, and assures them of God’s work in their future. Another way to say this is: God started it. God will complete it. You’re just in the hard-in-between-time now.

Without question, Paul had difficult circumstances and difficult people to deal with. Still, he found joy in his relationships when he remembered to serve, pray, and encourage. May we do likewise.

PHIL MOSER is the author of the Biblical Strategies series and the developer of 4M Training: a 13-week small group study for men. All of his resources can be found on amazon or at biblicalstrategies.com.

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