3 Circles of Friendship: commitment, confirmation, and confrontation

Loyal friends are hard to find, but they are essential for the journey of life.
In his book Quality Friendship, Gary Inrig writes, “The fact that our heroes of faith needed others underlines the inescapable need we all have to establish solid and satisfying friendships that not only meet our needs but equip us to meet the needs of others as well.”
King David had many followers, but he had only a few close friends. When we look at his life, we see their impact in three circles: commitment, confirmation, and confrontation.

The Circle of Commitment is the friend who is loyal; placing  your best interest ahead of their own.

King Saul’s son, Jonathan, best represents this level of loyalty in David’s life.  For those unfamiliar with the story, Jonathan was heir apparent to the throne of his father, King Saul. That his father desired for him to have the throne was evident by the way Saul repeatedly pursued David to have him killed. Although David was not from the royal family, he was the one that God had chosen to become king after Saul’s death. With the king’s crown at stake, the conflict that could have existed between David and Jonathan would have endangered any potential relationship. Instead, what develops between the two is a close and meaningful friendship. They were like brothers. In the truest sense of the word, they modeled the sacrificial spirit that is necessary in our closest relationships.
In the Bible the word “covenant” described a promise that was to be kept at all cost. It was a verbally binding agreement. The text says, “Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul” (1 Sam. 18:3). While this commitment was initiated by Jonathan, David embraced it as his own.
A spoken agreement between friends adds a level of accountability even if circumstances or feelings change. For this reason, we take wedding vows in the presence of witnesses. We go on public record with our commitment to our spouse and we ask the witnesses to hold us to it. Years later, David will keep his end of the covenant even after Jonathan has died. He will make room for Jonathan’s paraplegic son at his table and offer him the best that he has. There is security in the realization that, though trials come, the other party will remain faithful.
Bestselling author Andy Andrews captured it this way, “When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart will search for a solution. The undecided heart searches for an escape.”
The Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoyevsky wrote, “To love someone means to see them as God intended them to be.” During his life, Jonathan never lost sight of his goal of helping David become all that he could be.

The Circle of Confirmation is the friend who offers hope and encouragement.

King David was a young boy when the aging prophet Samuel anointed him as the king of Israel.  Most scholars believe David would have been around 16-17 years old when he was chosen.  As David matured and faced kingdom-level challenges, he must have looked back at Samuel’s confirmation of him and garnered hope for his future. The circle of confirmation works like that—we find confidence to go forward when others express confidence in us. The friend who confirms us is a valuable ally when we face discouragement. If you want to develop this expression of loyalty, here are few lessons from Samuel.

Seek to confirm character over appearance.

The Bible acknowledges that David was handsome. But, it also makes it clear that his appearance wasn’t the cause of his appointment as king. In our social-media-world, everyone appears young and every family appears perfect. It’s easy to be drawn into external evaluations. But appearances are often misleading. Initially, Samuel overlooked David in favor of his six older brothers. But when evaluating the oldest brother, God warned the prophet, “Do not look on his appearance or the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

Seek to confirm others over exalting yourself.

Few characters of the Old Testament carried the blessing of God like Samuel. From his childhood he was called to serve God and he was still at it in his old-age. He was esteemed by the people. During his lifetime, he filled multiple roles: judge, priest, prophet, and counselor. But Samuel never pursued the role of king. He chose to serve kings instead. The confirming friend seeks to confirm others over exalting himself. I have a confirming friend, ten years my elder. His leadership ability, international experience and creativity surpass my own. Yet, whenever I am with him, he is affirms in me what I so admire in him. His humility makes that possible.
Each of us should seek to become a “confirming” friend. But remember the admission charge for becoming one is to think of yourself less as you encourage one another more.

The Circle of Confrontation is the friend who seeks to restore us when we fail.

Nathan was a prophet during the latter half of King David’s reign. He confronted David over his sin of adultery with Bathsheba (and his bungled cover up). Though the consequences of David’s sin would bring about the unraveling of his family, Nathan’s confrontation would be the first step to restore David’s relationship with the Lord. The prophet begins his confrontation with David by the telling a story about a shepherd. Wise indeed was this approach. Nathan’s story is about a small-time shepherd who only had one lamb. That lamb is taken from him by the arrogant mega-farmer next door. As friend, Nathan’s choice of this story reveals two truths: (1) his knowledge of David’s past, and (2) his belief that David will change when confronted.

Remember the good in your friend’s past before you confront.

Remember, David was a shepherd before he was a king. As a young boy, he had been a fierce protector of the lambs in his care; clubbing to death the lions and bears who would attempt to ravage his flock. Such courage and confidence in God compelled him to take on Goliath while others cowered in the shadows. Nathan’s confrontation placed David in the lion and bear role stealing from another man’s flock. Further, his strategic murder of Bathsheba’s husband (to cover up his sin), made David out to be the entitled-Goliath and not the God-confident shepherd boy he had once been.

Believe that your friend will change when confronted.

Nathan’s succinct closing: “You are the man,” reveals his belief that, when confronted, David will do the right thing. This kind of confidence is the best motivation in confrontation. It is a love that hopes all things. A friend’s rebuke finds it’s purpose in rescue not condemnation. We confront another from a love that believes they are worth saving, and a confidence that, given the right opportunity they will do the right thing.

We all need friends in these three circles of influence. Furthermore, we all need to become the kinds of friends who operate in the appropriate sphere for others. Through commitment, conformation, and, when necessary, confrontation, we make brotherly love a priority. In so doing, we review a deep, meaningful loyalty. For David, the deaths of Jonathan and Samuel were catastrophic. While David would develop other friendships, those friendships never replaced Jonathan and Samuel’s level of influence. If the man after God’s own heart needed friends like that, how much more must we? One ancient writer reminded us:
A faithful friend is a strong shelter; the man who finds one has found a treasure. There is no substitute for a friend, and there is no way to measure his value.

This post was taken from Phil’s upcoming book Growing in Grace: biblical strategies for developing strong relationships

Phil Moser is a pastor and author of the Biblical Strategies series and 4M Training for Men. His books are available on Amazon and at biblicalstrategies.com