For Men: Dissecting an Expectation

In sixth grade my parents got me a biology kit. My 12-year-old friends all got chemistry kits, but I think my parents were afraid I might blow up the house, so I received a biology kit–complete with shrimp-like creatures, fruit flies, and a frog to dissect. Perhaps you remember dissection from your high school biology class. You cut, you observe, you make notes, and then you start the whole process again.  In relationships we have expectations. Most expectations are unspoken. Like the inside of the frog, nobody knows what’s going on in there unless you open em’ up. So let’s open up the expectation, discover what prompts it, and where it will lead.

We all have these expectations in our relationships. Whether parent to child, husband to wife, neighbor to neighbor, or employer to employee. Dissecting the expectation helps us understand what’s going on in the heart, and how the Spirit of God wants to change it.

A desire becomes a demand.

We all have desires, but our sense of entitlement can rapidly morph them into demands. Jesus reminded his disciples that he came to serve, not to be served. When a desire becomes a demand, we think, "This would make me happy."

A demand gets expressed as a need.

Each of us has needs and wants. In our western world, we easily get these confused. Sadly, the things that we think will make us happy (wants) are often expressed as needs. When a demand becomes a need we think. "I can't be happy without it." 

a perceived need sets up an expectation.

Our most dangerous expectations are the ones that impact our relationships. When we don't exercise discernment at the need/want level, we will begin to experience the dissappointment that comes with these wrong expecations. When a perceived need becomes an expectation, we think, "If you loved me, you'd give me what I want."

An expectation leads to dissapointment.

If we think we know ourselves best, we'll think we know what's best for us. This is what makes expectations so difficult on our relationships. When an expectation leads to dissapointment  we think, "You really don't love me."

dissapointment leads to punishment.

Whether you choose fight or flight in your relationships, your reaction is often motivated by your desire to avoid the pain of dissapointment. A "fight" position will be suscpetable to using harsh words and anger. While the "flight" response is prone to silence and self-pity. In their extremes, both are dangerous because they are tinged with punishment. When dissapointment leads to punishment, we think, "I'll make you pay for not loving me."

punishment leads to bitterness.

A bitter spirit is a downward spiral. Forgiveness is the only means of correction, and it will need to be practiced daily. When punishment leads to bitterness, we think, "I'll never forget how much you hurt me."

In the six steps you can see that expectations flow out of our desires, and if unchecked and unmet, will take us where we do not want to go. What if our only expectation was the one that Jesus had? He said, "Even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many"(Mark 10:45). Jesus looked for opportunties to serve, and found them. When your desire to serve others surpasses your desire to be served, you will find your new expectations will never be dissapointed--there are always opportunities to serve others in our relationships with them.

PHIL MOSER is the author of the Biblical Strategies series and the developer of 4M Training: a 13-week small group study for men. All of his resources are found on amazon or at biblicalstrategies.com. Consider booking Phil for your next conference or retreat.